“Journeying out into space, forging an empire, the pioneering spirit taught the human race to expect the unexpected, as long as the unexpected was that which they had expected.”
Cornelle’s “Study of tellurian Expansion” 5097
“When the job made no sense, some just marked time and some defied defeat. It took the man who delivered the tea to wonder why the job made no sense.”
H. S. Posedor in his report to Earth Centre 4083
It’s time for THE SECRET OF NEMATODA. Make up your own joke about tea.
Blurb
“Journeying out into space, forging an empire, the pioneering spirit taught the human race to expect the unexpected, as long as the unexpected was that which they had expected.”
Cornelle’s “Study of Tellurian Expansion 5097″
“When the job made no sense, some just marked time and some defied defeat. It took the man who delivered the tea to wonder why the job made no sense.”
H.S. Posedor in his report to Earth Centre 4083
Part 1
We start with a bit of moody synth music. I love synth music. Can’t help it. My dad was ¼ Commodore 64. Administrator Posedor is lamenting that Earth will never know the real difficulties of colonial administration. Worse than that, the tea is terrible. So bad is it, that he decides to send a narrative device plea through the galactic airwaves, explaining to anyone who can hear, that his job of maintaining a subterranean Tellurian (see Robert Holmes, lexicon of) colony on the planet of Nematoda is hard work. He’s had to protect the peaceful elfin indigenous Nematodans from the monstrous indigenous Nematoids.
Before we go any further, you’ll notice there’s already a little bit of Smurf-speak here. As a handy reference for you and me both:
Nematoda – planet
Nematodans – oppressed nice guys
Nematoids – giant wormy monsters
Nematrocity – An act of violence committed while trying to distinguish between nearly identical names.
The administrator goes on to say that the Nematodans have been forced under ground, depending on crumbling air holes to the surface, while the still surface dwelling nematoids hunt them down. The project to save the nematodans was undertaken by his predecessor 50 years ago. The current administrator (him) is not the adventurous hero that his predecessor was. He is just a paper pusher. To that end, the real purpose of his intergalactic message takes shape. He needs tea. He is a tea lover. So, if there is anyone out there with any tea, he begs that they please stop by and give him some.
But no sooner has the message been sent, than he gets an alert that another air hole to the surface has collapsed. No rest for the tealess. In their urgency to fix the hole, they spear a nematoid. Rather than killing it, they just make it mad, and it takes a collision course for the hub of the colony.
The Doctor and Ria land outside the colony, tea in hand. They received the distress call, and as the Doctor says, “Tea drinkers of the cosmos should help each other whenever they can!” They spot one of the giant air holes, and hear a distant roar. Before they can get to the roaring nematoid, it is shot and killed. Strangely, the nematodans get on top of its carcass and start chanting. At odds about the future of the colony are Administrator Posedor, a more level-headed man all things considered, and Stone, who has a military mentality and thinks that the nematodans need to be whipped into a more efficient labor force for their own good. I wonder if this conflict of interests will have any future bearing on the plot… As they make their way to the colony, the Doctor and Ria are surrounded by hundreds of little nematodans.
Stone, the warmongering, tea hating, stereotypically Strangelovian American character, is determined to get Earth approval to wage full war against the nematoids. Foreman Crouch, Stones assistant, is very sympathetic to the nematodans, but is not a warmonger.
The nematodans lead the Doctor and Ria to a glowing fungus called Nemfeed, which they are told they are not allowed to touch.
Crouch and his crew discover the Tardis, and follow the nematodan footprints.
The Doctor and the nematodans stand back as a nematoid comes down from above. Strangely, though, they are not frightened of it. But before anything can happen, Stone’s men shoot it, and the Doctor and Ria are taken to see the administrator. The administrator has no time for them, until he realizes that the Doctor has come bearing tea. Over a much-appreciated cuppah, the Doctor, Ria and Administrator become friendly. Foreman Crouch comes in and explains that examination of the dead nematoid shows that part of its physiognomy is a material almost as hard as concrete. Stone suggests that instead of massacring them, they should now start harvesting them, to use the hard extract to reinforce the collapsing air holes. The Doctor is uneasy about what’s happening, and when he gets a moment alone with Ria, tells her that he wants to find out more. But just then, another air hole starts collapsing around them, and they have to run for their lives.
CUE… updates on upcoming AV releases, and cast interviews
Part 2
Our heroes run, but notice that the worm has been injured, and is leaking its hardening goo (sorry, I know this is a family review) onto a solider, and they go back and save him. Peace is restored, and after a few days, a colony meeting is held to assess the situation. Stone is still upset at the Doctor and Ria, and is furious when he finds out that Posedor has brought them on as his advisors. The group reviews an examination that The Doctor and Ria did with Nematodans. It turns out that the appointed leader of the Nematodans is as old as the planet itself. It turns out that the Nematodans were immortal until humanity arrived. D’oh! Stone leaves to take care of another air hole collapse. When the Doctor and Posidor determine that Stone has killed a Nematodan, they realize that he’ll have to be stripped of his power. Meanwhile, Stone’s men shooti the heck out of the Nematoid worms. Long story short, Stone rallies the army and stages a cue against Posedor. The Doctor discovers that the Nematodans are intentionally letting the Nematoids in as part of a life cycle symbiotic thingamajig. After some running around, Ria gets out and rescues the Doctor. Stone, meanwhile, plans to sell the Nematodans into slavery. After a tremendous amount of running around, getting captured, escaping, yelling, shooting, trapping, etc, the Stone ends up killed by his own devices. It’s a bit muddled, so I won’t get into it. You knew Stone would lose, right?
Crouch brings the Tardis to Doctor and Ria. They step inside, and Crouch steps in with them. He tells them about a missed opportunity to strike out on his own that he once had, and decides that this time he’ll make the right decision and join the Tardis crew. So Mr. Truman Crouch is now a companion! Hooray!
Evaluation
Well, it’s a tale of two parts. Part one is nicely paced, with a lot of interesting characters. Part two is a madly scrambled runaround with brief pauses for exposition. Runarounds are fine on TV, but the second half of Nematoda sounds more like the audio to a missing Hartnell than it does a proper audio adventure. It’s too muddled. But I will give credit to John Wadmore for playing Stone exactly like General Cutler in The Tenth Planet. I wonder if they trained at the same academy for megalomaniacally unhinged army stereotypes… Nigel Fairs, the ever-generous contributor to this thread, makes a wonderful debut as Truman Crouch. Ria is a nice sidekick, but Doctor Briggs seems to spark better with a male companion.
Serious lines that I laughed at childishly
“One of the guards says he thinks he saw them disappearing up the central concourse air hole.”
Overall 7 out of 10
Nematoda is, for all its running around, an intricately woven story. One that my review doesn’t really give enough credit to. So while I say 7 out of 10, it’s still certainly good enough to air on the BBC today. It was certainly good enough to knock the socks off of about anything that was airing in the mid 80s!
NEXT TIME
The first of several very trippy Audio Visuals to come – ENCLAVE IRRELATIVE.