A ghost ship. A girl with no memory. An old enemy. This could be Charlotte Pollard’s finest hour – or her last.
1 Comment
Styre
on May 8, 2016 at 1:05 AM
THE GIRL WHO NEVER LEFT
What?
Fine, that’s being uncharitable.
THE GIRL WHO NEVER WAS
Those who have followed my reviews will know that I think Alan Barnes is the worst Doctor Who writer in the BF stable and that I love getting the knives out on a play I dislike. This, coupled with my natural dislike for Charley Pollard, had me grinning with masochistic anticipation for “The Girl Who Never Was,” her presumptive swan song. So when it turned out to be halfway decent — not good, mind you, but decent — I was almost disappointed!
I don’t know if this is down to the restrictive running time, but many of the flaws that plagued “Storm Warning,” “Neverland,” “Zagreus,” and “The Next Life” are completely absent from this release. There’s a surprisingly small amount of padding, and there isn’t even a single occasion of the characters standing static in a room describing their surroundings to one another. The Cyber-plan is simple, if naturally silly, and is described with a minimum of lines. The script isn’t loaded down with needless continuity references and fannish in-jokes. And the Doctor isn’t totally sidelined and made into a supporting character in his own series.
The plot, too, is quite intriguing. The action primarily takes place aboard one boat off the coast of Singapore, but by varying the settings between three different times and cycling characters in and out of the drama, Barnes keeps things refreshingly dynamic. The revelation that Anna Massey’s character is apparently an elderly Charley throws up interesting questions that are slowly answered over the course of the play, while the further revelation about “Miss Pollard” is satisfying, if predictable. The villains don’t need to be Cybermen, necessarily, as there’s absolutely nothing in the play that relates to their central themes of conversion and survival at all costs, but Barnes incorporates them well nonetheless. Conflicts are resolved efficiently, and there aren’t any obvious plot holes or loose ends. In sum, it’s a shockingly tight script from an author whose previous work could be generously described as abundant.
Shame about the dialogue, though, and the characterization. I’m rarely one to throw up “nobody talks like this!” complaints, because more often than not a writer is just attempting a stylistic choice. Honestly, though: when this play opens, Charley is supposed to be so distraught at the Doctor’s reaction to C’rizz’s death that she’s insisting upon leaving immediately. Yet even as she’s trying to storm out, they’re right back to laughing and giggling together like schoolchildren, and within five minutes of “leaving” she’s engaging in hilariously unconvincing flirting with a passing Australian goon. And throughout the play she’s right back to the one-note bouncy character that’s totally unaffected by anything that happens around her. Cyberman starting to crush your fingers to get you to talk? Respond like a petulant child, then deflate the situation with a cheery quip when it lets you go! Christ on the cross, this type of behavior infuriates me, because no rational human being is this oblivious. This is to say nothing of the one-note stereotype supporting characters, from the forgettable (Curly (David Yip)) to the bizarrely out of place (Borthwick (Robert Duncan)) to the uneasily racial (Inspector Yew (Yip again)). And why is Byron (Danny Webb) Australian?
The ending isn’t very good, either. I actually think the second ending, in which Charley dies but the Doctor never remembers what happened to her, is much better than the first, but why Barnes put in a false ending in the first place is unclear to me. The Doctor hypnotizing Charley into forgetting their travels together isn’t the best closure, but it’s good closure nonetheless — but wait, she actually remembers! Oh look, Byron has been hiding in the TARDIS! Now the Doctor’s dead! Now we’re going to destroy the Cybermen even though we did that already! Now Charley’s dead! Now the Doctor isn’t! It’s silly and it’s overblown and it jars badly with the tone of the rest of the play. And yes, one ending conjures up “The War Games” and the other “Terror Firma,” but that’s fine — there’s only so many ways a companion can leave, after all.
Paul McGann is quite good, as always. His scenes with Massey are particularly enjoyable, and he’s suitably dramatic when the Doctor faces off yet again with the Cybermen. And he’s at his best at the conclusion — his heartbreak and disgust at what he thinks is Charley’s abrupt departure is palpable, and tugs at the heartstrings. Since I couldn’t stand the lines she was reading, it’s hard to critique India Fisher’s performance, but she performed admirably as written. As suggested above, Webb’s Australian accent is unconvincing, but he’s clearly having a great deal of fun with the villainous role. Massey, too, is fun to hear, and gives possibly the best performance in the play to boot. Amanda Root, despite getting front cover billing, really doesn’t have anything to do, but the production team seems impressed with her period accent, I suppose. And Nicholas Briggs says he was trying to capture an “Invasion”-era Cyberman voice, but it, combined with the footsteps, sounded a lot like the new series modulation to me.
Thumbs up as usual on the production front. The sound design by Gareth Jenkins is of his usual high standard — the Cybermen sound intimidating, while the explosion effects will rattle your chair. Andy Hardwick’s score is one of his best: it’s orchestral, it’s epic, and it’s used throughout the drama to tremendous effect. Barnaby Edwards’ direction gets both fine performances and good pacing — he’s a very reliable option in the director’s chair. CD extras include interviews with Edwards and the entire cast, including McGann while he eats.
So, overall, “The Girl Who Never Was” isn’t all that bad. It’s a solid, pacy Doctor Who story that puts the Cybermen to entertaining use, and provides a fine conclusion to the saga of Charlotte Pollard. Of course, it’s nowhere near perfect: the dialogue is atrocious, the characterization is uneven at best, the plot has far too many twists, and the ending is overwrought and confusing. But considering what I was expecting, it’s not so bad.
6/—–
Wait, what?! It’s not over?! Not only is she alive, she’s climbing into the TARDIS with Colin Baker?!? WHY?!
Look, I know what a lot of you are thinking. I don’t know what BF has planned, I don’t know how this is going to end up, and I shouldn’t criticize something I know nothing about. Sorry, but I don’t trust Big Finish to write convincing character arcs, especially not when they concern a character who passed her sell-by date three years ago! Simply put, I have no faith whatsoever that this idea is going to work — and since it starts out by completely undercutting and ruining what was otherwise a decent ending to the character, I have no reason to feel optimistic. So yeah, that’s enough to knock a point off. Ugh.
THE GIRL WHO NEVER LEFT
What?
Fine, that’s being uncharitable.
THE GIRL WHO NEVER WAS
Those who have followed my reviews will know that I think Alan Barnes is the worst Doctor Who writer in the BF stable and that I love getting the knives out on a play I dislike. This, coupled with my natural dislike for Charley Pollard, had me grinning with masochistic anticipation for “The Girl Who Never Was,” her presumptive swan song. So when it turned out to be halfway decent — not good, mind you, but decent — I was almost disappointed!
I don’t know if this is down to the restrictive running time, but many of the flaws that plagued “Storm Warning,” “Neverland,” “Zagreus,” and “The Next Life” are completely absent from this release. There’s a surprisingly small amount of padding, and there isn’t even a single occasion of the characters standing static in a room describing their surroundings to one another. The Cyber-plan is simple, if naturally silly, and is described with a minimum of lines. The script isn’t loaded down with needless continuity references and fannish in-jokes. And the Doctor isn’t totally sidelined and made into a supporting character in his own series.
The plot, too, is quite intriguing. The action primarily takes place aboard one boat off the coast of Singapore, but by varying the settings between three different times and cycling characters in and out of the drama, Barnes keeps things refreshingly dynamic. The revelation that Anna Massey’s character is apparently an elderly Charley throws up interesting questions that are slowly answered over the course of the play, while the further revelation about “Miss Pollard” is satisfying, if predictable. The villains don’t need to be Cybermen, necessarily, as there’s absolutely nothing in the play that relates to their central themes of conversion and survival at all costs, but Barnes incorporates them well nonetheless. Conflicts are resolved efficiently, and there aren’t any obvious plot holes or loose ends. In sum, it’s a shockingly tight script from an author whose previous work could be generously described as abundant.
Shame about the dialogue, though, and the characterization. I’m rarely one to throw up “nobody talks like this!” complaints, because more often than not a writer is just attempting a stylistic choice. Honestly, though: when this play opens, Charley is supposed to be so distraught at the Doctor’s reaction to C’rizz’s death that she’s insisting upon leaving immediately. Yet even as she’s trying to storm out, they’re right back to laughing and giggling together like schoolchildren, and within five minutes of “leaving” she’s engaging in hilariously unconvincing flirting with a passing Australian goon. And throughout the play she’s right back to the one-note bouncy character that’s totally unaffected by anything that happens around her. Cyberman starting to crush your fingers to get you to talk? Respond like a petulant child, then deflate the situation with a cheery quip when it lets you go! Christ on the cross, this type of behavior infuriates me, because no rational human being is this oblivious. This is to say nothing of the one-note stereotype supporting characters, from the forgettable (Curly (David Yip)) to the bizarrely out of place (Borthwick (Robert Duncan)) to the uneasily racial (Inspector Yew (Yip again)). And why is Byron (Danny Webb) Australian?
The ending isn’t very good, either. I actually think the second ending, in which Charley dies but the Doctor never remembers what happened to her, is much better than the first, but why Barnes put in a false ending in the first place is unclear to me. The Doctor hypnotizing Charley into forgetting their travels together isn’t the best closure, but it’s good closure nonetheless — but wait, she actually remembers! Oh look, Byron has been hiding in the TARDIS! Now the Doctor’s dead! Now we’re going to destroy the Cybermen even though we did that already! Now Charley’s dead! Now the Doctor isn’t! It’s silly and it’s overblown and it jars badly with the tone of the rest of the play. And yes, one ending conjures up “The War Games” and the other “Terror Firma,” but that’s fine — there’s only so many ways a companion can leave, after all.
Paul McGann is quite good, as always. His scenes with Massey are particularly enjoyable, and he’s suitably dramatic when the Doctor faces off yet again with the Cybermen. And he’s at his best at the conclusion — his heartbreak and disgust at what he thinks is Charley’s abrupt departure is palpable, and tugs at the heartstrings. Since I couldn’t stand the lines she was reading, it’s hard to critique India Fisher’s performance, but she performed admirably as written. As suggested above, Webb’s Australian accent is unconvincing, but he’s clearly having a great deal of fun with the villainous role. Massey, too, is fun to hear, and gives possibly the best performance in the play to boot. Amanda Root, despite getting front cover billing, really doesn’t have anything to do, but the production team seems impressed with her period accent, I suppose. And Nicholas Briggs says he was trying to capture an “Invasion”-era Cyberman voice, but it, combined with the footsteps, sounded a lot like the new series modulation to me.
Thumbs up as usual on the production front. The sound design by Gareth Jenkins is of his usual high standard — the Cybermen sound intimidating, while the explosion effects will rattle your chair. Andy Hardwick’s score is one of his best: it’s orchestral, it’s epic, and it’s used throughout the drama to tremendous effect. Barnaby Edwards’ direction gets both fine performances and good pacing — he’s a very reliable option in the director’s chair. CD extras include interviews with Edwards and the entire cast, including McGann while he eats.
So, overall, “The Girl Who Never Was” isn’t all that bad. It’s a solid, pacy Doctor Who story that puts the Cybermen to entertaining use, and provides a fine conclusion to the saga of Charlotte Pollard. Of course, it’s nowhere near perfect: the dialogue is atrocious, the characterization is uneven at best, the plot has far too many twists, and the ending is overwrought and confusing. But considering what I was expecting, it’s not so bad.
6/—–
Wait, what?! It’s not over?! Not only is she alive, she’s climbing into the TARDIS with Colin Baker?!? WHY?!
Look, I know what a lot of you are thinking. I don’t know what BF has planned, I don’t know how this is going to end up, and I shouldn’t criticize something I know nothing about. Sorry, but I don’t trust Big Finish to write convincing character arcs, especially not when they concern a character who passed her sell-by date three years ago! Simply put, I have no faith whatsoever that this idea is going to work — and since it starts out by completely undercutting and ruining what was otherwise a decent ending to the character, I have no reason to feel optimistic. So yeah, that’s enough to knock a point off. Ugh.
5/10