The Doctor isn’t the only Time Lord River runs into on her travels up and down the timeline. The Master, in all of his – or her – guises, also has a chequered history with Professor Song. And whenever they meet, it’s a close call as to who comes out on top…
It’s something River must get used to: there are three people in her marriage – at the very least!
The Bekdel Test by Jonathan Morris
Back at the start of her imprisonment, Doctor Song becomes a guinea pig for an innovative new security system. But it’s her fellow prisoners she needs to be most wary of. Because it’s early days for Missy, too. The Doctor is dead, and she is outraged that somebody else killed him first…
Animal Instinct by Roy Gill
On a world where vicious beasts stalk ancient ruins, Professor Song teaches a student the finer points of archaeology. But then she meets an incarnation of the Master who is desperate to survive. And if they are going to escape this place alive, they all must work together.
The Lifeboat and the Deathboat by Eddie Robson
Stranded in the Vortex, a father and daughter do their best to survive, living on salvage in a ramshackle vessel. Elsewhere, an obsessive ship’s captain hunts down a vengeful monster, whatever the cost. And River is caught between them, uncovering an old enemy in the most unexpected new guise.
Concealed Weapon by Scott Handcock
A deep space exploration mission nears its end – when suddenly, the crew start to die. River must try to protect her colleagues and work out what else is on board their ship. Something is stalking them, and the deadliest Master of all has his own plans for River Song…
THE DIARY OF RIVER SONG: THE BEKDEL TEST
After the surprisingly impressive fourth series, which largely stayed away from Doctor Who continuity, The Diary of River Song jumps back in with both feet in its fifth series: in each story, River encounters a different incarnation of the Master. The first story in the set, “The Bekdel Test” by Jonathan Morris, brings River together with Missy in Michelle Gomez’s first audio appearance. Missy, like River herself, is one of those characters that was largely (if not entirely?) written by Steven Moffat on television, and so it’s up to Morris to ape Moffat’s style. He largely succeeds, but there’s a surprising amount of continuity on display. The story is entertaining: first River, then Missy, are brought to an “inescapable” prison as part of a marketing plan. If even they can’t escape, nobody can, that sort of thing. But the problems arise from the title and the subject matter. The title is obviously a play on the Bechdel Test, a rough estimate of whether a particular work gives its female characters definition apart from how they relate to men. It’s disconcerting enough to have a male author write a story called “The Bekdel Test,” but Morris basically seems to mock the idea, as the first conversation between River and Missy is quite long and is entirely about the Doctor! Indeed, the entire rest of the story is about the Doctor – it turns out the prison brought River and Missy there to attract the Doctor after all – and even though River and Missy solve the problem on their own and the Doctor never shows up, they’re both still defined almost entirely in terms of their relationship with the absent male lead. It almost defies description how ill-considered this is, especially in light of the title. It’s a solid story apart from that – honestly, if it had a different title, I probably wouldn’t be this critical. But it doesn’t.
4/10
THE DIARY OF RIVER SONG: ANIMAL INSTINCT
“Animal Instinct,” by Roy Gill, takes River into the classic series era once again for a meeting with the Geoffrey Beevers Master – and yet Gill puts a smart twist on the idea. River is actually on an archaeological mission – it’s amazing how often we forget why she’s “Professor” in the first place – and when she discovers an ancient tomb containing a two-hearted individual in stasis, she expects to exhume the Doctor, but gets a completely different Time Lord instead. This is definitely the less serious Beevers Master that we’ve seen in the Fourth Doctor Adventures – the story almost plays as though they wanted Roger Delgado or Anthony Ainley but couldn’t have them. This Master is a gentleman killer, suave and debonair, always ready with a witty aside, not the snarling murderer desperately clinging to life we remember from television. At one point, he effortlessly climbs a tree! But all of this works because the story smartly presents this Master as a man caught out of his comfort zone. He thinks he’s in a classic series Doctor Who story but he’s actually caught in a modern story and he hasn’t a clue how to react. River’s playful, sexually charged conversation is completely alien to this Master, and he’s constantly on the back foot as a result. It’s no surprise that the story ends with River rather easily outsmarting him. Most interesting, though, is that the story tries to show us the darker side of River’s morality but she ultimately doesn’t do anything the Doctor didn’t do in the classic series. Overall, this is a solidly entertaining story that generates a lot of enjoyment from the unlikely pairing of lead characters.
7/10
THE DIARY OF RIVER SONG: THE LIFEBOAT AND THE DEATHBOAT
“The Lifeboat and the Deathboat” by Eddie Robson is the headline-grabber of this set: it features the return of Eric Roberts to the role of the Master for the first time since the 1996 TV movie. It’s genuinely cool that Big Finish got him to do this, as you don’t hear a lot of Oscar-nominated Hollywood actors in Doctor Who audios, but unfortunately, he sounds like he did this in an hour to pick up a check. The Master in the TV movie was wildly over the top and camp – “I always dress for the occasion” and such – but here he’s subdued and bitter after decades of isolation. This would be fine if the script dug into his psychology, but Robson instead opts for the “is this really the Master?” angle which means the script can’t reveal too much. The revelation that he’s been the Master the whole time is indeed surprising, but that’s largely because we’ve never had a Master defined by bored, flat line readings. The story is utterly ridiculous – VHS tapes of 1980s teen movies inexplicably factor prominently – and yet uninteresting, as virtually nothing significant happens and the characters mostly just explain the plot to each other. It is interesting to hear how well River takes to accompanying the Master, as this is the only story in the set in which she doesn’t know the Master (and Missy) is a Time Lord in advance – but Alex Kingston’s energetic performance jars with Roberts’ attempt and sounds bizarre as a result. Admittedly, I have no idea if Roberts’ performance is a deliberate acting choice or simply due to a lack of interest, but either way it doesn’t work and therefore neither does the story as a whole.
4/10
THE DIARY OF RIVER SONG: CONCEALED WEAPON
The easy way to write River Song is as an analogue for the Doctor: someone who makes the right choices, who outsmarts the bad guys, and who saves the day in the end. The challenging way is to recognize the very real differences between River and the Doctor, both in terms of morality and competence, while still maintaining River’s character. She tries and often fails to find the “other way” that saves everyone; the Doctor virtually always finds it. She occasionally resorts to violence and death to escape trouble; the Doctor (at least in the modern series) never does. And that brings us to the Master: the Doctor virtually always defeats the Master, but can River do the same? We’ve seen her in an uneasy truce with Missy, we’ve seen her run circles around Beevers and Roberts – but in “Concealed Weapon,” by Scott Handcock, she’s up against the War Master at the height of his powers and things do not go to plan. Every time the Master shows up in the modern series, disaster strikes and the Doctor barely wins. Multiple encounters have ended with companions departing or even the Doctor regenerating. And this makes sense: the Master was conceived as the Doctor’s Moriarty; the two were intended to be intellectual equals. All of this is to say that I loved “Concealed Weapon” because the Master proves this by outsmarting River. Yes, she foils his plan, but he manipulates her throughout like the NA Doctor at his finest, and by the end of the story even has River unwittingly carrying out his plans. Handcock’s script handles this well: River is every bit as capable and intelligent as always but the Master retains the upper hand. Unfortunately the rest of the story is a letdown: the plot isn’t very interesting, the pacing is off, the guest performances aren’t good, and there are odd mistakes like a character sucked into naked vacuum and yet somehow still being able to gasp for breath and say “Not like this.” But the River/Master relationship is a true highlight and “Concealed Weapon” is the best story in the set.
7/10